When Blogs Collide (You’ll Know What They Were Doing When It Happened)
I’ve been working on a longish blog post about the different ways that Jews and non-Jews use a certain word, but it’s been very slow going (a blog slog, as it were). Then a news story came over the transom (thanks to my friend — and sometime commenter on this blog — JIm Laffan) and I just couldn’t resist writing about it. In fact, like those TV shows where characters crossover (Detective John Munch from Homicide: Life on the Street appearing on The X-Files or Murphy Brown appearing on Seinfeld), I will address that story in both of my blogs.
Last Friday (April 30th) Oprah was promoting a national “No Phone Zone Day,” holding rallies across the U.S. to encourage people to put down their mobile phones while driving and keep their focus on the road. That’s all well and good Ms. Winfrey, but I think you’re overlooking what may be the most dangerous form of distracted driving ever:
FHP: Driver Lacked Razor-Sharp Focus
By Adam Linhardt (Citizen Staff)
As authorities nationwide warn motorists of the dangers of driving while texting, Florida Keys law enforcement officers add a new caution: Don’t try to shave your privates, either.
Florida Highway Patrol troopers say a two-vehicle crash Tuesday at Mile Marker 21 on Cudjoe Key was caused by a 37-year-old woman driver who was shaving her “bikini area” while her ex-husband took the wheel from the passenger seat.
“She said she was meeting her boyfriend in Key West and wanted to be ready for the visit,” Trooper Gary Dunick said. “If I wasn’t there, I wouldn’t have believed it. About 10 years ago I stopped a guy in the exact same spot… who had three or four syringes sticking out of his arm. It was just surreal and I thought, ‘Nothing will ever beat this.’ Well, this takes it.”
If that weren’t enough, Megan Mariah Barnes was not supposed to be driving and her 1995 Ford Thunderbird was not supposed to be on the road.
The day before the wreck, Barnes was convicted in an Upper Keys court of DUI with a prior and driving with a suspended license, said Monroe County Assistant State Attorney Colleen Dunne. Barnes was ordered to impound her car, and her driver’s license was revoked for five years, after which time she must have a Breathalyzer ignition interlock device on any vehicle she drives, Dunne said. Barnes also was sentenced to nine months’ probation.
Barnes and Charles Judy were southbound in her Thunderbird at 11 a.m. when they slammed into the back of a 2006 Chevrolet pickup driven by David Schoff of Palm Bay. His passengers were a man and two women; the latter were treated for minor injuries at Lower Keys Medical Center, FHP spokesman Alex Annunziato said.
Schoff had slowed to about 5 mph to make a turn when the Thunderbird hit him, traveling about 45 mph, which was within the speed limit, Dunick said.
Barnes allegedly drove another half-mile, then switched seats with Judy, who allegedly claimed to be driving, Annunziato said.
“She jumps in the back seat and he moves over,” Dunick said. “It was like the old comedy bit, ‘Who’s on first?’ ”
Burns on Judy’s chest from the passenger-side airbag deploying belied their story, Dunick said. The airbag in the steering wheel did not deploy, he said.
Troopers charged Barnes with driving with a revoked license, reckless driving, leaving the scene of a wreck with injuries and driving with no insurance. Judy was not charged.
Barnes faces a maximum of a year in jail if found guilty of violating her probation due to the wreck, Dunne said.
“My phone has been ringing off the hook all day, and I know there’s a funny side to this, but it’s also deadly serious. This is a scary road and a lot of bad wrecks are caused by dumb stuff like this,” Dunick said. “It is unbelievable. I’m really starting to believe this stuff only happens in the Keys.”1
Boy howdy… where do I begin?
- Her ex-husband was riding with her on the way to meet her boyfriend! Well, that was certainly quite open-minded of him — in fact, it reminds me of that old saw “The problem with being open-minded is that your brains might fall out.”2
- Her ex-husband’s name was Judy (okay, it was his last name… but come on, it’s still weird).
- Re: “Ready for the visit” — a euphemism is born!
- Re: The old comedy bit “Who’s on first?” — you know, I always forget… was it Bud Abbott or Lou Costello who was shaving his nutsack in that routine?
Miami journalists quickly picked up on this story and dubbed Megan Mariah Barnes “Pubic Enemy #1.” They also got ahold of her mug shot from the Monroe County Sheriff’s Office.3
Wow… check out those roots! You’ve truly got to wonder about Megan’s hair care priorities.
And — speaking of “roots” — inspired by this news story, the post on my music blog, DJ MJD’s Back Tracks, features the old blues song “Shave ‘Em Dry” by Lucille Bogan.
Be warned though, this lady really put the “blue” in blues!
So… what have we learned?
- You never know where inspiration will come from… sometimes you have to scrape every crevice and other times it just falls into your lap.
I just thought of something… if you follow the dictum that “the drapes should match the carpet,” maybe Ms. Barnes should try out this look:4
Alas, if only Helmut Newton were still alive to truly do the woman justice.
- From the March 5th edition of KeysNews.com http://keysnews.com/node/21349
- I discussed this saying in an August, 2009 post http://thedornblog.wordpress.com/2009/08/20/high-school-senior-moment-%e2%80%93-essay-tease-vs-acid-test/
- Mega-props to Nate Laffan for his Photoshop magic.
Filed under: Humorous Musings | 1 Comment
Tags: comedy, distracted driving, humor, m. j. dorn, Megan Mariah Barnes, Open-Minded, Oprah, pubic hair, shaving